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100 Ways to Live to 100 (Part I)

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  1. Always look down while you walk.
  2. When you sense danger, keep throwing punches until you feel safe again.
  3. Stay at least 10 miles from Chuck Norris at all times.
  4. Drive on the shoulder, far away from oncoming traffic.
  5. Inject yourself with a little bit of each major disease each morning, to build up immunity over time.
  6. Breathe out more than you breathe in.
  7. Always assume your food is poisoned, offer the first bite to someone you don't know.
  8. Insist on seeing ID whenever you meet someone new.
  9. Practice dodging bullets, rent "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins" as a guide.
  10. Buy as big of a car as possible.  That way you won't have to waste valuable time looking where you are going.
  11. Helmets are always a good idea.  Make sure you find one that's comfortable enough to wear all the time.
  12. If you never drive a car, it'll last 100 years. Scientists believe this theory carries over to humans as well.
  13. If you must use the microwave, be sure to wear your lead vest, or at least cover vital organs in tin foil.
  14. If you don't trust someone, don't ever give them your real address. Give them the address of the nearest farmer with a gun collection.
  15. Chew before you swallow, even if it's a liquid. Don't take chances with oversize pulp.
  16. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Each day do something that almost kills you.
  17. Never run with your hands in your pocket. One slip and it's all over.
  18. Stay alive as long as possible.
  19. Laughter is the best medicine. Only laugh when you're injured, don't waste it.
  20. Ambulance spelled backwards is still Ambulance. If you believe this, you have a head injury, call an ambulance.
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