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Funsumer Blog
- Some trees can live for a thousand years. Act like a tree as much as possible. Simple arithmetic says that if you act like a tree 10% of the time, you will live to 100 years.
- Never wear a hoodie backwards, you can't see.
- Don't go anywhere alone, even the bathroom. Find a buddy that you are comfortable with in the bathroom.
- If you must fly in an airplane, never eat the airline food.
- Become a millionaire.
- Swearing is a great stress reliever. Try to only speak in curse words.
- Start thinking about hiring a "stunt double". This person will be responsible for anything dangerous that you have to do.
- Always walk directly behind someone. They'll take any blows that happen to come your way.
- Make friends with the most dangerous person in your town.
- Walk like The Terminator wherever you go.
- Never forgive anyone for anything, it's a sign of weakness.
- Anything can go down on a long bus ride. Establish your dominance at the start of the trip by breaking a window or making fun of the bus driver.
- Always sit near an exit. Sit on top of the person nearest the exit if you have to.
- Have your doctor cloned, in case something happens to him.
- Don't ever try to keep your eyes open while sneezing. Nobody knows what will happen if you actually do it.
- Be worth more alive than dead, and make sure everybody knows it.
- Avoid bodily wear and tear such as kneeling and digestion.
- Don't try anything new without testing it on your neighbor first.
- Reduce your risk of choking by eating only shakes. Meat will liquefy if you leave it in the blender long enough. Or, to be extra safe, boil your food and inhale it as it evaporates into a gas.
- If your electric shaver gets stuck on your face, don't rip it off. Wait until your beard gets long enough to cut it off safely.
- Try to get as much sleep as possible, even while driving. Cars these days practically drive themselves, and as a bonus, the airbag is a convenient pillow.
- Go to school to become a doctor. That way if you ever get sick, you'll immediately know how to heal yourself.
- Sometimes people get bored to death. If you start to become bored, punch yourself in the stomach. It will hurt, but at least you won't die.
- You are what you eat, so only eat things that can live until 100.
- Never hold anything back longer than you have to. This relates to everything from telling someone how you feel, to going to the bathroom. Although doing both at the same time may send a mixed message.
- Get your name on every organ donor list you can find, even if you don't need one. By the time you might need one, you'll be at the front of the list.
- Get multivitamins in any way you can. Put them on crackers, use them as ice cream toppings and suck on them like jolly ranchers.
- Run backwards everywhere, it works for Chuck Norris.
- Everyone needs a wild side, but keep it safe. Loitering is the safest crime you can commit.
- Evolution favors the strong, so start working out and beating on the weak.
- Make a beer pong table out of a piece of 8 x 4 subfloor. You can get one of these from your local home improvement store.
Create center and foul lines with strips of blue painters tape. - Fog your guests. Grab a fog machine online for about $40. Blast your party poopers with fog when they least expect it.
- The one thing you always forget to do is buy ice to keep the drinks cool. A couple days before the party, throw a few half gallon jugs full of water in your freezer. They'll stay frozen for days in the cooler and save you some time and money buying bags of ice.
You could even get creative and freeze various items inside your blocks of ice. - Stock up on liquor. Liquor lasts forever so there's no reason to worry about buying too much. Remember the 4-to-1 rule on the drink mixes. A liter of liquor will mix with at least 3 or 4 bottles of mix. Vodka goes fast, make sure you have enough!
- Use Facebook to your advantage. Send the invite a couple months in advance and throw out fun reminders every few weeks.
- Always look down while you walk.
- When you sense danger, keep throwing punches until you feel safe again.
- Stay at least 10 miles from Chuck Norris at all times.
- Drive on the shoulder, far away from oncoming traffic.
- Inject yourself with a little bit of each major disease each morning, to build up immunity over time.
- Breathe out more than you breathe in.
- Always assume your food is poisoned, offer the first bite to someone you don't know.
- Insist on seeing ID whenever you meet someone new.
- Practice dodging bullets, rent "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins" as a guide.
- Buy as big of a car as possible. That way you won't have to waste valuable time looking where you are going.
- Helmets are always a good idea. Make sure you find one that's comfortable enough to wear all the time.
- If you never drive a car, it'll last 100 years. Scientists believe this theory carries over to humans as well.
- If you must use the microwave, be sure to wear your lead vest, or at least cover vital organs in tin foil.
- If you don't trust someone, don't ever give them your real address. Give them the address of the nearest farmer with a gun collection.
- Chew before you swallow, even if it's a liquid. Don't take chances with oversize pulp.
- What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Each day do something that almost kills you.
- Never run with your hands in your pocket. One slip and it's all over.
- Stay alive as long as possible.
- Laughter is the best medicine. Only laugh when you're injured, don't waste it.
- Ambulance spelled backwards is still Ambulance. If you believe this, you have a head injury, call an ambulance.
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